That one time I went viral
Plus, surprise, I'm back to writing
In the summer of 2022, after enduring a breakup, I joined TikTok.
At the time, I’d been on social media for a decade. I’d used Facebook to launch some of my earliest business events, and was a relatively early adopter of Instagram for my business (before there were even “business accounts”). At the time, I was in year 2 of a WILD career season - after the death of in-person events in 2020 (and thus my whole business), to the wild landscape of 2021 (where I booked the single largest contract of my career), and I. Was. Tired.
I’d spent 2 years in survival mode, shamelessly promoting myself on Instagram, trying to drum up consulting work, then becoming so busy that I could barely keep up with everything.
So when I joined TikTok, it was simply a place where no one knew me. The only “friends” I had were a few actual friends (petty bitches) and my Gen Z nieces (no one is more petty than Gen Z teenagers). It was the only place on social media where I felt like I was anonymous.
After spending a decade publicly online - it was amazing.
A thing most people don’t know about me is that, while I have deep empathy, I’m also petty and sarcastic. A recent paramour had told me the most surprising thing about me was that I was actually nicer in private than he’d assumed, based on my shit-talking personality in public (what a thing to say to someone you’re romancing).
For years, I depended on Facebook and Instagram to fuel my livelihood - referrals from social media helped me succeed professionally. And at the core of event planning is hospitality - no one wants a shit-talking hostess at their registration table (but if you need one, I’m available).
But TikTok? My clients were not there. I could show up and be a sarcastic, petty bitch.
My pettiness was in the form of roasting various men on dating apps, then publishing it with a quippy caption overlaid with some trendy song of the moment. These videos were a direct reflection of how I was feeling at the time - disappointed with the dating landscape, and realizing that, after YEARS of therapy and working on empathy and internal work to make myself an ideal companion, turns out I (and my fellow women) was the only one doing that work.
Getting to virality (hah)
Here’s the thing about TikTok (at least in 2022) - it’s incredibly easy to go viral by being a petty asshole and dunking on someone. I’d made less than 50 videos before my first one went viral (oddly, posted right before I went into the backcountry for a 2-day solo backpacking trip, which made for a BIZARRE return to reality). And, unsurprisingly, once one video goes viral, your account is primed for virality. Within the next few months, I’d go on to make 2 more videos that went viral. But by then, I didn’t want to be known as the person who got laughs for trolling people on dating apps (at least publicly - happy to do it in the group chat though).
Here’s the first one that went viral (it still makes me giggle and I’m not proud of that)
This one did numbers, so I kept at it - posting screenshots of dating app conversations (not always consensually, which I regret, though I didn’t show anyone’s photos or information), and laughing along with the audience at my pettiness.
Why I started doing it
At the time, it was the start of something oddly healing in me (albeit pretty embarrassing).
I’d been a lifelong subscriber to the "Good Girl Paradox” that Robin Clark talks about (I’m not sure if this concept is her original work, but she’s where I first heard about it). The GGP basically says that as long as you follow all these rules that we’ve created for you, you’ll win at life. You’ll get all the prizes we’ve got for you.
The prizes include:
Husband (not wife, because Good Girls are NOT gay)
Money (lots of it, but jointly held with Husband because men are good money decision makers)
House (not apartment, but you can have apartment first BEFORE house)
Happiness (because this is happiness according to the game we’re all playing and you can’t opt out because people we’ll shame you back into it)
Meanwhile, the rules to get the prizes were like:
• Be skinny
• But only get there through hard work and starvation, but make it look easy and don’t tell anyone it’s starvation.
• Be white, preferably blond, but brunette is ok sometimes.
• But not obviously blond, make it seem natural. Whatever you do, don’t be gray.
• Be nurturing
• But not too nurturing, because then husbands/boyfriends think you’re their mom and want to cheat on you
• Be smart
• But don’t be but too smart, and not smarter than husband EXCEPT at the beginning, because he’ll find it charming and want your smartness all the time, except when it becomes intimidating to him
• Have a support system to catch you if you fall (NOT THE GOVERNMENT OBVIOUSLY)
• Don’t complain too much about the game or point out that the game is rigged ever because it makes people uncomfortable and question their own decisions
• Don’t point out that these rules seem to contradict each other
Anyway, all of that was how I desperately wanted my life to appear to other people (and I desperately wanted my life to BE), so they could think I was a real go-getter and my life was easy and then would give me money to do work for them.
So what changed?
I got mad.
This is embarrassing to admit, but for YEARS I thought that the final boss of life satisfaction was finally, FINALLY getting a husband who loved and adored me.
I worked so hard at dating: I went to endless therapy, I clocked in on the Hot Girl Hampster Wheel (which is for another post, but it’s basically all the beauty shit women have to do to be deemed attractive), I had my own life so as not to be considered too needy, and had my own money so as not to be considered too desperate.
These are the criteria we’re taught to achieve healthy, loving partnership and I was all-in baby. I knew I could work my way into a relationship if I just tried hard enough.
But as the years went by, I opted to continue living my life, starting a business, buying an apartment, adopting a dog, and while boyfriends came and went, I never found the love, adoration, and adult partnership that I was conditioned would eventually come my way if I just worked hard enough.
Of course, the whole time, I blamed myself. I repeated all the tropes that we like to hurl at women (but oddly, never men) when they’re single - who would want me after 30? How can I be a good wife if I can’t even stick around and be a good girlfriend? Maybe I really am being too picky?
And eventually, after I’d blamed myself for long enough, I got sick and tired of being the only one who was taking accountability for (very big, bad) problems in previous relationships.
After years of taking it on the chin, I realized (decided?) - this wasn’t my fault. I was one of many incredible women competing for very few incredible men, and the numbers were just not working out.
Which, if you’ve ever been on TikTok, is the exact right audience to cater to - burnt out, frustrated women who don’t want to have to change themselves AGAIN in order to be deemed welcome in society as a part of a couple.
Why I stopped
Honestly? I got embarrassed.
If you look through my TikTok (which I just made public again for your viewing pleasure), I went viral a few more times. I remember being in the middle of a video call and watching notifications come in so fast that I stopped speaking in the middle of a sentence.
It was a weird validation of sorts - knowing that I wasn’t the only one going through the struggle between wanting a male partner but feeling so disappointed in the options that there wasn’t much to do other than complain. And all the people I complained to agreed! VALIDATION!
After another video hit 800k views and I got approached to do a bizarre product promo, I realized I didn’t want to be a creator known for their meanness on the internet. The videos were only showing a small snippet of who I was (and not a part of myself that I got to be very often - though admittedly, sometimes it’s fun to be mean!), and eventually, after the first few thrills of engagement, I realized this wasn’t how I wanted to be perceived. I was also working closely with a major brand on event stuff at the time, and despite conversations with their Head of Comms who assured me they didn’t care unless it got much much bigger, I became worried that this would somehow affect my current bag - which as a single woman is not something I ever want fucked with.
Nothing materially changed about my life - except that I decided to never download another dating app and 2 years later, that’s still the right decision for me. I’ve met and dated plenty of men in the real world, and they’ve all eventually been as disappointing as the ones online. Maybe that should be the topic of my next TikTok?
Things I read and loved
I’d like to eventually make a living from writing (currently, I’m working to steer the ship of my freelance work from events to copywriting/marketing strategy and let me tell you IT’S LIKE TURNING A YACHT), and part of that is becoming a better writer by reading better writers. Here are some things that I’ve loved lately:
What’s A Life Worth - My brother works in big healthcare and I’m very worried for the safety of him and his co-workers. I’m also outraged at the healthcare system in this country. This article is the best distillation of both of those feelings.
Hasan Piker on Pod Save - this is a podcast, but I’d never heard of Hasan Piker and I’m FASCINATED on how he is the only example of “traditional” masculinity that also is liberal.
10 Questions about Auntiehood - I love reading about women with no children and this is a favorite of mine.