This is so reminiscent of how I see and want friendship to be and I do think we’re losing that sense of community for a lot of people, friendship means being inconvenienced sometimes, people aren’t so willing to do that now it seems
Yea the inconvenience of friendship always felt foreign to me because everything is inconvenient. Work is inconvenient! The gym is inconvenient! But drinking martinis and giggling and/or crying is excellent! Sometimes I think what people don’t like is the awkwardness of developing new friendships because on some level, you’re performing for each other until you hit a critical point of vulnerability. The performing is the inconvenient part - but largely unavoidable until you get to the point where you no longer have to perform.
This makes a lot of sense thank you for replying with your thoughts, going outside of the home requires a level of performance which can also include masking which can lead to burnout or increased anxiety, however like you said with an increased element of closeness, that mask can begin to drop or even fall away completely
Thank you for this. I am this kind of friend. For years, I have struggled with the feeling that I like people more than they like me. Reframing it as the fact that we do friendship differently helps a lot.
Yes I did used to feel that way too. I still rarely get invited to stuff and am almost always doing the inviting. But I’ve reframed it as critical to my life’s infrastructure and that of my friends’ lives too. I am providing a deep service of connection that not everyone has the skill set or ability to provide. Somehow the nobility of it (real or imagined) makes it feel just as important as a job or romantic relationship or hobbies.
I felt so seen. And just when I finished a piece about friendship, too vulnerable to publish - this gave me a little courage to publish it. Maybe I will. 🤍
Making friends is so vulnerable! It’s so performative at first. Encouraging you to push publish (if only because I published this thinking no one would read it and people did and the feedback is better than I though) ❤️
I feel that making friends for me is super easy but the start is the most beautiful ones - I get super excited to learn about this new human being but it is the deeper friendships that I long for. Actually, people reading it scares me the most but I will publish it. You give me courage.
I, like you, you take friendship very seriously! And the parts you wrote about folks who maybe do care about friendship but it looks very thin and much more like a “nice to have” resonated with what I’ve experienced with some friends in the last decade. And that’s hard!
To your point, I’ve lost so many friendships due to life stages and kept others and made new ones. I think my perspective on friends is that I’m always looking for people who are teachers to help me know myself better, and while there’s joy in knowing someone for 20 years, there’s also joy in someone meeting you a stage of life where your past doesn’t define who you are now. It is sort of magical.
Lauren, this resonated in so many ways for me. I often wonder if some of my longtime friendships are slipping away, but also have more than a few I call and visit more often because they’ve been hit with really hard times. So when I feel lonely for friendship myself, I picture those friends who showed up during my own struggles and feel reassured.
The older I get, the more friendships I’ve acquired and the more friendships I’ve lost. Some have stood the test of time and some slipped away but were very important during a specific life stage that might not translate anymore. It makes me sad and also, feels like a sign of a life well lived.
I've gone so hard to be this friend and still had my social circle all but disappear. It's so hard to understand and defeating. I don't really know how to start over making friends in mid 40s. Nobody is willing to make a commitment it seems. And I seem so needy in contrast. I have to say, I never thought this would be the case. I really thought as time went on, I was bound to make and keep connections rather than see them go. This is a depressing comment, sure, but it's where I am.
Majority of my friends are scattered around the world but I feel like they are the ones, the family. And it’s absolutely right, what you’re saying, it requires commitment, time, effort—but I always feel that this is the essence of friendship.
I have a desire each year to host parties but then get so scared whether it will be received the way I intend it, to show appreciation and connect...I find it hard to socialise weekly and then struggle with who woth and coordinating schedules but I can do gatherings. I just wish I had more confidence to do it without the anxiety. I see others as managing to form routines with others or groups and can't work out whether people pick someone and stick to that or want to just branch out !
This was really great to read, especially the part about the number of hours it takes to become close friends. This piece also confirmed to me that I am not currently in a place in my life where I can put the work in that's required to make new friends!
I hear that. This is probably why for most of modern life, platonic relationships were reserved for family or folks who lived in close physical proximity (neighbors, coworkers). While technology has made it easier for me to cultivate better friendships (with people who don’t live in close physical proximity but whom I feel connected to on a deeper level) it also is much more work than say just becoming closer friends with my next door neighbor who I see daily.
Partners can’t be everything, and only a fool puts all that pressure on them. But, people tend to begin to value friendship just at the time they can no longer have the flexibility to make those relationships happen and grow. This is a good reminder to prioritize it now.
This is so reminiscent of how I see and want friendship to be and I do think we’re losing that sense of community for a lot of people, friendship means being inconvenienced sometimes, people aren’t so willing to do that now it seems
Yea the inconvenience of friendship always felt foreign to me because everything is inconvenient. Work is inconvenient! The gym is inconvenient! But drinking martinis and giggling and/or crying is excellent! Sometimes I think what people don’t like is the awkwardness of developing new friendships because on some level, you’re performing for each other until you hit a critical point of vulnerability. The performing is the inconvenient part - but largely unavoidable until you get to the point where you no longer have to perform.
This makes a lot of sense thank you for replying with your thoughts, going outside of the home requires a level of performance which can also include masking which can lead to burnout or increased anxiety, however like you said with an increased element of closeness, that mask can begin to drop or even fall away completely
Mmm this is good food for thought.
Particularly:
“However, what most people yearn for is the younger version of friendship - the hours of unencumbered plans with people who also were unencumbered”
That got me right in the heart.
Right there with you.
Read this because the title was so good and then there I was 😅😅
Okay, but where’s that excellent piece you wrote about making friends?! It starts with some recycling bins. It’s such an excellent piece of writing.
Hmm, I’m not sure. When I think of pieces about making friends, I usually think of this one: https://open.substack.com/pub/shangrilogs/p/94-hours-to-go-97?r=bko&utm_medium=ios
Thank you for this. I am this kind of friend. For years, I have struggled with the feeling that I like people more than they like me. Reframing it as the fact that we do friendship differently helps a lot.
Yes I did used to feel that way too. I still rarely get invited to stuff and am almost always doing the inviting. But I’ve reframed it as critical to my life’s infrastructure and that of my friends’ lives too. I am providing a deep service of connection that not everyone has the skill set or ability to provide. Somehow the nobility of it (real or imagined) makes it feel just as important as a job or romantic relationship or hobbies.
I like that! 😊
Beautiful. My female friendships have bloomed in motherhood and I’m so grateful for them.
Oh that is excellent to hear - so much discourse about friendships failing during motherhood particularly, so it’s nice to see that isn’t universal
I felt so seen. And just when I finished a piece about friendship, too vulnerable to publish - this gave me a little courage to publish it. Maybe I will. 🤍
Making friends is so vulnerable! It’s so performative at first. Encouraging you to push publish (if only because I published this thinking no one would read it and people did and the feedback is better than I though) ❤️
I feel that making friends for me is super easy but the start is the most beautiful ones - I get super excited to learn about this new human being but it is the deeper friendships that I long for. Actually, people reading it scares me the most but I will publish it. You give me courage.
This was lovely! I feel seen. Thank you!
Oh gosh I’m so glad! Are you a friend organizer or someone who wishes they had a friend who organizes? Or both? I’m mostly both.
I, like you, you take friendship very seriously! And the parts you wrote about folks who maybe do care about friendship but it looks very thin and much more like a “nice to have” resonated with what I’ve experienced with some friends in the last decade. And that’s hard!
This is excellent. Thank you for acknowledging the effort it takes and how it looks different in various stages of life.
To your point, I’ve lost so many friendships due to life stages and kept others and made new ones. I think my perspective on friends is that I’m always looking for people who are teachers to help me know myself better, and while there’s joy in knowing someone for 20 years, there’s also joy in someone meeting you a stage of life where your past doesn’t define who you are now. It is sort of magical.
Lauren, this resonated in so many ways for me. I often wonder if some of my longtime friendships are slipping away, but also have more than a few I call and visit more often because they’ve been hit with really hard times. So when I feel lonely for friendship myself, I picture those friends who showed up during my own struggles and feel reassured.
The older I get, the more friendships I’ve acquired and the more friendships I’ve lost. Some have stood the test of time and some slipped away but were very important during a specific life stage that might not translate anymore. It makes me sad and also, feels like a sign of a life well lived.
You’re right!— “important during a specific life stage” counts just as much.
I've gone so hard to be this friend and still had my social circle all but disappear. It's so hard to understand and defeating. I don't really know how to start over making friends in mid 40s. Nobody is willing to make a commitment it seems. And I seem so needy in contrast. I have to say, I never thought this would be the case. I really thought as time went on, I was bound to make and keep connections rather than see them go. This is a depressing comment, sure, but it's where I am.
If anyone needs anyone to hang out with please holla
If any of your friends are working 50-60 hours a week, or more, the best act of friendship would be to get them to join a trade union.
Majority of my friends are scattered around the world but I feel like they are the ones, the family. And it’s absolutely right, what you’re saying, it requires commitment, time, effort—but I always feel that this is the essence of friendship.
I have a desire each year to host parties but then get so scared whether it will be received the way I intend it, to show appreciation and connect...I find it hard to socialise weekly and then struggle with who woth and coordinating schedules but I can do gatherings. I just wish I had more confidence to do it without the anxiety. I see others as managing to form routines with others or groups and can't work out whether people pick someone and stick to that or want to just branch out !
This was really great to read, especially the part about the number of hours it takes to become close friends. This piece also confirmed to me that I am not currently in a place in my life where I can put the work in that's required to make new friends!
I hear that. This is probably why for most of modern life, platonic relationships were reserved for family or folks who lived in close physical proximity (neighbors, coworkers). While technology has made it easier for me to cultivate better friendships (with people who don’t live in close physical proximity but whom I feel connected to on a deeper level) it also is much more work than say just becoming closer friends with my next door neighbor who I see daily.
Partners can’t be everything, and only a fool puts all that pressure on them. But, people tend to begin to value friendship just at the time they can no longer have the flexibility to make those relationships happen and grow. This is a good reminder to prioritize it now.